A Pug in the Pumpkin Patch and Other Orchard Tales!

PumpkinPatch1

Autumn is in full swing here and Mamma Biscuit has been busy toiling away, adding the finishing touches to her annual Halloween costume. Between running around in circles while getting tangled up in the fabric of her costume and scouring the floors at the Pug Palace for anything edible that may have fallen from our counter tops, our little Biscuit Lady has had her paws full to say the least. Only one more week before the big reveal and we can’t wait—it’s gonna be epic! Now despite our crazy schedule during the Autumn season, we always manage to carve out a weekend in late October to take our annual trip up to Wilklow Orchards for a fun-filled day picking apples and pumpkins . . . and picking on each other with our annoying, sarcastic banter between friends. Of course Mamma Biscuit is always at the center of the days’ activities—except the moment we arrive . We all run off to find a picnic table to gorge on a pot luck brunch before heading out in the fields in search for the perfect Golden Delicious apple while Mamma Biscuit plants her cute little pug butt in the pumpkin patch to wait patiently for the Great Pumpkin to appear!

PumpkinPatch2
PumpkinPatch3
PumpkinPatch4

I feel like a broken record every year reporting back to you all regarding Mamma’s irrational fixation with waiting for the Great Pumpkin to appear. Now I know what you all are thinking, in fact, I was thinking the same thing too but do you think our stubborn little pug was gonna listen to logic and reason? Every year, she waits patiently for the Great Pumpkin to appear at Wilklow Orchards and every year, she leaves misty-eyed and disappointed! I have no idea why that story has such a choke-hold on Mamma Biscuit. Every year, Linus sits in a pumpkin patch on Halloween night waiting for the Great Pumpkin to appear and every year, the Great Pumpkin fails to turn up! Humiliated but undefeated, Linus vows to wait for him again the following Halloween—and unfortunately, our Biscuit Lady gets swept up in this very same Halloween pipe dream!

PumpkinPatch5
PumpkinPatch6
PumpkinPatch7
PumpkinPatch8

The good news is, we entertain our little gremlin’s unwavering belief in the Great Pumpkin by planting her in a pumpkin patch a week before Halloween—this way she won’t miss out on the festivities of Halloween night when the Great Pumpkin invariably fails to make an appearance! The least we can do is take some Autumnal portraits of the Biscuit Lady amongst all the pumpkins and share it with you all!

PumpkinPatch9
PumpkinPatch10
PumpkinPatch11

I’m just thankful that a bag of peanut butter treats can lure Mamma Biscuit out of the pumpkin patch and onto the fields of the orchard where she can enjoy the freedom of running through tall grass and disappearing into the brush! You haven’t really lived a full life until you see a pug run through a giant orchard field, it’s hilarious!

The day was absolutely perfect! It was crisp, cool and breezy with an overcast sky, providing just the right amount of natural light to take beautiful photographs. We shared the day with our closest friends: Matt, Julie, Vadim, Nicole, Dean and Sydney, Tommy’s Goddaughter!

ApplePicking1
ApplePicking2
ApplePicking3
ApplePicking4
ApplePicking5
ApplePicking6
ApplePicking7
ApplePicking8

Tommy and I have been coming to Wilklow Orchards since we first started dating over a decade ago so we know the grounds very well! I just love heading to the most scenic spots on the grounds to take photographs and then looking back at those photographs through the years to see how nature has changed the landscape of the orchard–it’s always such a treat!

ApplePicking9
ApplePicking10
ApplePicking11
ApplePicking12
ApplePicking13
ApplePicking14
ApplePicking15
ApplePicking16
ApplePicking17

Of course Mamma Biscuit would prance alongside us as we walked down every aisle of apple trees and generally stop to look up at us, hoping to get a slice of apple to keep her engine full to carry her on to the next field of crops!

MammaGrass1
MammaGrass2
MammaGrass3
MammaGrass4
MammaGrass5
MammaGrass6
MammaGrass7

The fields seem endless but we always make it to our traditional scenic spots for some fabulous Autumnal portraits!

ApplePicking18
ApplePicking19
ApplePicking20
ApplePicking21
ApplePicking22
ApplePicking23
ApplePicking24
ApplePicking25
ApplePicking26

I always look forward to the end of our pick when we head to the shop on the grounds for a bag of warm cider donuts and homemade baked goods. Tommy runs off into the patch to pick up our annual pumpkin while I sit at a picnic table like a fat pig eating all of these seasonal treats. Of course Mamma Biscuit is right by my side piercing me with her pug eyes, waiting for a crumb or two to be placed into her gummy mouth. I oblige of course!

ApplePicking27
ApplePicking28
ApplePicking29
ApplePicking30

We then loaded are cars with our bounty of apples and pumpkins and headed into the town of New Paltz for a late lunch/early dinner and a stroll around town for some shopping.

ApplePicking31
ApplePicking32
ApplePicking33

The day was just so perfect and picturesque and Mamma Biscuit enjoyed a much needed retreat into the mountains for some nature time. This was definitely the calm before the storm because next week, Mamma Biscuit intends on shaking up the entire city with her Halloween costume, so stay tuned y’all!

Enjoy

Posted in Holiday, Mother Earth, Outdoor Life, Treats | 2 Comments

Mamma’s House of Halloween Worship!

PopeCathedralAltar

Well, it was bound to happen. As they say in Rome (Vatican City to be exact) you never know when the smoke will blow your way. So when I saw that glorious white smoke billowing across the Atlantic Ocean and streaming across the fire escape at the Pug Palace here in New York City, I knew the vote had been cast. Well actually, at first I called the fire department thinking my next door neighbor fell asleep with a cigarette dangling from her mouth but then I came to my senses. Now if you think the church has endured way too many controversies before then I would suggest you all buckle up your seat belts because there is a new Pontiff in power and she (that’s right, I said she damn it) is looking to make major changes to a corrupt and broken institution. For starters, the fact that Mamma Biscuit is now your new Pope is a clear indication that the sexist and archaic viewpoints regarding women and their roles in the church have shifted dramatically! Here’s another change you can add to the history books, Gay marriage under Pug Pontiff is officially no longer an issue! We’re queer, we’re here, we couple, we love, we nest and we build families—GET USED TO IT! Now for all of you crazy right wing nuts out there who get their misinformation from FOX News, Mamma Biscuit also approves of dogs and cats getting married . . . to each other . . . with multiple partners—so chew on that bitches! Don’t even try to appeal any of these new changes either because Mamma’s authoritative stance of inclusion for all is backed up by the royal vestments on her back. Our bitch means business! Of course the gold accented robe and hat fit her beautifully but we needed a bible of sorts to complete her position. So I did what any respectable gay Atheist would do in such a situation—I dug up and dusted off my Madonna SEX book! Hey, don’t give me the side eye people, Madonna’s SEX book has a metal cover and the content is practically identical to any bible you can find in the night stand of any hotel room after a night of unbridled passion with your mistress! I mean, just look at Madonna in this detailed scripture of Dita: mistress of Erotica, circa 1992.

PoepSEXBook

This is exactly how Mary reacted after God made her conceive immaculately. I can just hear her saying, “I’m pregnant? FUCK . . . but I didn’t even get to have sex.” Don’t even get me started on how poor Joseph reacted to becoming a father without experiencing the joys of ejaculation. I would have flipped to that parallel photo in Madonna’s SEX book but I thought it was just too graphic for this post. Anyway, the point is, God is a vengeful bastard who resides squarely between Hypocrite Avenue and Sadism Street! But I digress, back to Pope Mamma Biscuit. There have been many changes implemented since we strapped on her robe and hat but the most important of all changes is making Halloween the new Christmas. Under Mamma’s papal guidance, we say, “take a hike Jesus.” Now some of you may say, “keep Christ in Christmas” but we say, “keep Satan in your heart on Halloween if not, all year long.” Here at the Pug Palace, we celebrate the ghost and goblins that come out on that magical spooky night but we also celebrate anything rebellious or mischievous—and that sort of attitude has rubbed off on our little gremlin.

Pope1

So now that Mamma Biscuit has accepted this position of power and welcomed you all in, come take a tour of her new church: THE HOUSE OF HALLOWEEN WORSHIP! I suggest you leave all your inhibitions at the front door along with your shoes because I don’t have enough time during my busy day to swiffer these apartment floors!

Pope2

Feast upon our altar of Halloween goods. This is the visual gospel according to Mamma Biscuit! The Grand Wizard (Tim Curry) from The Worst Witch would be so proud of such a display! Let us all rejoice for Halloween and the dead!

Home1
Home2
Home3
Home4
Home5
Home6
Home7
Home8
Home9
Home10
Home11
Home11A
Home12
Home13
Home14
Home15
home19
Home16
Home17
Home18
Home20
Pope3
Pope4

In Mamma’s House of Halloween worship, the Eucharist Tabernacle (the most sacred spot in any church) is replaced by the most glorious and frightful Halloween tree you have ever seen. Mamma Biscuit’s name is the focal point of this tree by way of a fabulous garland that I put together that spells out each letter of her name set in a Gothic font. We’ve got a menagerie of Victorian string puppets, glass balls, spiral twists, skulls, skeletons, paper bats, body parts and Krampus, the Austrian and Bavarian Christmas icon swirling around this creepy tree. This tree and Mamma’s annual Halloween costume is the foundation of Halloween and now the foundation of modern Christianity!

Tree1
Tree2
Tree3
Tree4
Tree5
Tree6
Tree7
Tree8
Tree9
Tree10
Tree11
Tree12
Pope5
Pope6
Tree13
Tree14
Tree15
Tree16
Tree17
Tree18
Tree19
Tree20
Tree21
Tree22
Tree23
Tree24

So that’s it folks, our tour has finally come to a conclusion. We leave you all to go out and spread the new word of the Lord—the faith in Halloween and Pope Mamma Biscuit as she leads us straight into temptation and delivers us directly to the VIP lounge in Hell! Only two more weeks before we unveil Mamma Biscuit’s annual Halloween costume and this year, it’s gonna be EPIC!

Pope7

Enjoy

Posted in Holiday, Vintage | 8 Comments

Mamma on Autopilot!

PILOTHEADER

Life can really be tough here living in New York City. Our jobs can be demanding and stressful, the rent keeps going up as neighborhoods gentrify and the Subway system continues to be a slow and sluggish piece of antiquated machinery that seems to make any simple commute a nightmare! Competition is fierce, the pace is fast and you’ve got to give more and move fast if you want any good thing to last. The hours of the day steam roll by and weeks blend into months as we busily toil away with growing our careers and our 401K plans while trying to keep some semblance of a social life. In between all of that, the wrinkles pile up and the gray hair begins to show—or in my case, the hair just falls out completely. Fortunately, through it all, I can always rely on Mamma Biscuit to save my world. When I’m feeling depressed or overwhelmed (or worse, after watching the world news) all I need to do is look down at my feet and there she is, blinking her watery eyes at me in her flirtatious way while giving me her signature pug head-tilt, gently reminding me that I better not leave the damn room until I place a peanut butter treat in her mouth. Boy do I love feeling her gums with my finger tips when she boisterously bites down on those treats. I can carry the entire weight of the world’s problems on my shoulders throughout the day but the moment I turn the key to the door at the Pug Palace, that weight is instantly lifted! I’m sure that Mamma’s blog here acts like that kind refuge for you all as well. Throughout the day, you can log on and touch base with your favorite toothless pug on the internet—and the stresses of that horrible meeting at work suddenly melt away. Checking in on Mamma Biscuit is a great way to forget about impending layoffs, difficult bosses or anyone looking to procrastinate! Some need coffee, most of us need the unbearable cuteness of a pug. That’s why I have suited our little gremlin up like the hero she is to distract from the struggles of life. Armed with love, snorts and a long tongue, Mamma Biscuit is on a mission to make everyone across the globe smile—and that’s the love bomb she drops!

Pilot1
Pilot2
Pilot3

Now isn’t this pilot suit with built in hoody absolutely adorable? Mamma’s like the pug version of Snoopy—and I guess that would make me Charlie Brown considering I like to complain a lot too! Be thankful I was able to colorize these vintage photos of Mamma Biscuit perched upon a park bench before taking her position as pilot aboard her love plane! The plane brooch in gold metal is just the right touch for this ensemble—and if you are all wondering why I didn’t wrap a scarf around her neck, well, I just assumed her tongue would billow out in the wind instead! Our little gremlin is on a mission to save this world from boredom and stress—one pug hug and a kiss at a time! Just watch out for the spittle falling from the sky!

Pilot4
Pilot5
Pilot6

On another note, Today marks the beginning of Halloween season and all we can say is be prepared! We’ve got some fun spooky tales to share with you all this month, all concluding with Mamma Biscuit’s annual Halloween costume—and boy will it be epic this year!

Pilot7

Stay tuned. . . .

Enjoy

Posted in Fashion, Vintage | 15 Comments

Treasures Along Route 127!

Route127YardSaleHeader

What would you say if I told you that there is a yard sale that stretches over 690 miles from Addison, Michigan to Gadsden, Alabama along Route 127? Would you believe me if I told you that it is aptly titled The Worlds Longest Yard Sale? Well kids, it’s all true and to a couple of junker junkies like Tommy and I, it’s a fucking dream come true. When Tommy first approached me about possibly venturing out to this event, I thought he was spinning a long and drawn out joke on me but once I sat down and pecked my computer keys away to research it all online, I too knew it was something that needed to be added to our bucket list. More importantly, it needed to be pushed ahead of the line to the very top of the list of things to see and do as soon as possible! Over the course of a four-day weekend every year in August, communities across five states along Route 127 welcome an onslaught of thousands of visitors from North, South, East and West looking to get their junk-on. There are literally homeowners selling stuff they’ve accumulated throughout the years as well as professional dealers and vendors in clusters along the route all with one common goal in mind—to look, haggle, buy and sell! Since this event took place in the dead of August, we knew from the start that Mamma Biscuit would have to sit this road trip out. It’s unfortunate because it would have been so amusing to have our little gremlin along for the ride through these parts of America but I just didn’t want to chance having her be really uncomfortable outdoors in the unbearable heat. It seems almost silly now to think about the Summer heat as we are just about to enter the cool Autumn season but this year seems to be flying by so quickly. Before I know it, Mamma Biscuit will be sitting on Santa’s lap snorting her Christmas list into his ear!

At any rate, Mamma Biscuit spent her days with grandma in Westchester County being pampered like the queen that she is while Tommy and I drove out to Crossville, Tennessee to start our junking tour. Our plan was to take this yard sale from Crossville, Tennessee into Danville, Kentucky and than on through Harrodsburg, Lawrenceburg, Frankfort, and Covington, Kentucky and concluding our tour in Cincinnati, Ohio. Visiting this part of the country was like walking on Mars. The people were very friendly but very Christian and bibles, billboards reading “are you prepared? Jesus is coming” and giant lawn crosses seemed to materialize out of nowhere! Our first night in Tennessee was spent at the lovely McCoy B&B somewhere out in the back roads of Dolly Parton land run by a married couple, Annette and Bill. Nothing seemed more welcoming to an Atheist like myself (after an entire day of driving) then to find a giant edition of The Amplified Bible on our night stand in our room. Fortunately, both Annette and Bill made sure we were very comfortable and cozy in every way possible. We spent the following day riding through Tennessee into Kentucky while stopping every ten minutes to shop at vendors along the route and boy was that a whole lot of fun. You haven’t really experienced a yard sale until you can drive from vendor to vendor. During that first day out, I started to think that it would have been totally fine to bring Mamma Biscuit with us. Well, better to be safe than sorry! Our second evening was spent in Danville, Kentucky where we stayed at The Farm, a lovely estate run by Angie & Roy. Our accommodations were incredible. Our bed was the size of a California King and we had a jacuzzi tub in the biggest bathroom I had ever laid eyes on. I got totally lost in the glamorous accommodations that I forgot I was actually in Kentucky or that I had a car load full of vintage Christmas goods from the yard sale.

By the time we drove into Cincinnati, Ohio, we could barely see beyond the pile of treasures in the back seat of the car blocking the rear window. When we got to Cincinnati, everything changed. Firstly, the moment we drove over the Ohio River, we went from beautiful Kentucky country land into the slums of WKRP-Cincinnati. We checked into The Parker House, the oldest B&B in the city (1870) run by Mark and Patti. This house was beyond my wildest imagination. It was a cross between V.C. Andrews’ Flowers in the Attic, Norman Bates’ home in Psycho and Nicole Kidman in The Others! We were greeted at the door by a man named Mark who could have been the oldest hippie biker I have ever seen in my entire life. He had a ZZ Top beard and mustache and began regaling us with stories about being a trophy husband who built “this house” up from ruin to what it is today. Patti never materialized and since both Mark and Patti lived in the attic of the house, I just assumed she was either dead and mummified or she was just a figment of Mark’s imagination. Let’s just say that we had a giant suite that had a fireplace with maroon rugs, civil war furniture, heavy velvet drapes, a bedroom with a bed that I swear the Queen of Austria must have slept in a hundred years ago and a bathroom with a beautiful giant claw-foot tub. Now listen up people, Cincinnati turned out to be the most dilapidated and sketchy city I have ever visited in my entire life—and that says a lot from a man who’s well traveled and lives in New York City. The whole fucking city was either under construction or resembled the Bronx in the 70s, when it was burning down! Kiev in Ukraine has more commerce and a thriving pedestrian life than Cincinnati—with less homeless people too! There is absolutely no reason why anyone would want to visit this city outside of laughing at the pitiful Saks 5th Avenue in the downtown area or visiting The American Sign Museum—and even then, the curation of the vintage signs and ironically, the actual sign for the museum itself were both questionable! Tommy and I stumbled upon what could have been the only gay establishment in the city on the first day we were there. It was a bookstore/magazine/backroom/rainbow jewelry stand run by a despondent guy named George who put a sign up on the front door that read, “No Hustlers Allowed” and a sign by the dildos and magazines that read, “don’t fuck up the magazines and if you’re caught playing, we will throw you out” As I was reading the anti-hustler sign (and being slightly offended) on the front door before entering, some guy in a van drove by on the street and started blowing kisses at me in an effeminate way. Both Tommy and I burst out laughing! I couldn’t imagine what life would be like living as a gay man in Cincinnati. Strangely, the yard sale seemed to disappear once we got into Cincinnati and after visiting for a full day, we too wanted to disappear from the city entirely.

At any rate, since I have kept you all abreast of our seasonal vintage finds from time to time on Mamma’s little corner on the web here, I’d like to dedicate this post to all the great things we found along our five-day excursion junking through America. If these acquisitions aren’t another glaring sign that I need a bigger Christmas tree then I don’t know what is! So enjoy the photos and hopefully, these ornaments will inspire your seasonal decor!

Frog1
Frog2
Owl1
GermanSanta
Angel1
Angel4
Angel5
TopHat1
TopHat2
TopHat3
Clown1
Clown2
FullOwl
Bulb1
Bulb2
Bulb3
Bulb4
Bulb5
Bulb6
Bulb7
Gnome1
Gnome2
Tinsel1
Tinsel2
Tinsel3
Tinsel4
Elf
Apollo
BeadedSpikes1
Gnome3

Enjoy!

Posted in Travel, Vintage | 2 Comments

Fall Into Autumn!

FallIntoAutumnHeader

My favorite time of year has finally arrived people. Summer is O-V-E-R! Thank goodness, bring on the cooler weather right now. School is back in session and the streets and subways of NYC are filled with kids of all ages showing off their new kicks, jeans and cropped tops. The 90s are back with a vengeance and one does not have to look any further than the public school systems to know it’s true. It has been like swimming in a sea of flannel shirts, Doc Marten boots, black denim and accents of all sorts of gold jewelry during my commute on the subway every morning this week. These kids don’t give a crap that it has hit 90-degrees each day this week, they’re gonna wear their new school clothes, temperature permitting or not! The mere sight of these outfits makes me feel like I’m an extra on Rihanna’s We Found Love music video—and being the perpetual 21 year old that I am who occasionally scours the women’s department at Forever 21 and who has suffered through high school in the early 90s, I seem to fit right in.

You know what I love about September? I love that I feel compelled to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe even though I haven’t seen the inside of a classroom in over a decade. What can I say, I still want to look cool enough to sit in the back of the bus with the other delinquents who are busy toiling away at slashing the leather bus seats with their switchblades. You know what I love even more than my penchant for acting dumb, young and full of cum? It’s the chance to get Mamma Biscuit back into her high fashion wardrobe and outdoors prancing all around NYC. Someone has to show all the other canines residing on the island of Manhattan how it’s really done and that someone is Mamma Biscuit! I’d like to think that I refer to the September Issue of Vogue magazine to stay abreast on what’s going on in fashion but the truth is, Mamma Biscuit is the one who follows that bible more than I do. After all, she was Anna Wintour for Dogue magazine many years ago for Halloween and she knows how important Fall fashion really is. With that said, I have compiled a batch of iconic Fall fashion looks from Mamma Biscuit’s archives to get you all gassed up for the new season. Whether you’re a kid who needs to follow the pack in school when it comes to the right pair of jeans and sneakers, a label whore who blows their entire rent money at a Vivienne Westood sample sale, a fashion editor seated at every front row of every fashion show at Lincoln Center or a big city pooch looking to reinvent herself before hitting the local dog run, this post is for YOU! I would consider myself lucky If I turned out to be half as fashionable as Mamma Biscuit is when I get to be her age. So come along and take a stroll down the runway with your favorite toothless pug on the internet. You may find some inspiration to spruce up your Fall wardrobe or better yet, your life!

Herringbone suit jackets in earth tones are all the rage this Fall. Just add a silk scarf and you’ve got one smart look that’s ready for a business meeting or lunch with a good friend at Le Cirque!

Fall1

Faux fur is all the rage—especially accompanied by a Fraggle Rock/Cookie Monster silhouette. Think club kids in the 90s. Mamma Biscuit here has made this trend age appropriate by adding a fabulous brooch that was hand-selected from the Nan Kempner archives.

Fall2

Who said pale colors are for Spring only? Quite the opposite actually and Mamma Biscuit sure was ahead of the curve when she sported this pale pink waist coat paired with a dramatic feather and lace brooch. Tim Gunn would be so proud of our fashionable pooch!

Fall3

Indian Summer has set you back? Throw on a chocolate brown giraffe print dress with blue piping. Breezy enough for a late afternoon walk through the park!

Fall4

Pretty in pink is pretty all year long. Earth tones are so literal, why not stand out in pink with a pearl brooch?

Fall5

Ghetto fabulous fits perfectly into Fall attire. A homegirl is complete with her faux fur trimmed hoody coat for those chilly days paired with a descriptive name plate to warn others to back off!

Fall6

Chinatown chic is all the rage this Fall. Faux fur lined for a cozy fit while walking through the fish markets on Canal Street from September on!

Fall7

Money can’t buy you class and elegance is learned! Let Mamma show you what money can really buy and teach you a thing or two about wearing a faux fur dress coat this Fall!

Fall8

Sweater dresses are a Fall staple and the bolder the color, the more you’ll stand out among the herd!

Fall9

Chanel bouclé in chocolate brown is where it’s at this Fall. This look, like Mamma Biscuit is as sweet as a truffle!

Fall10

So there you have it folks. On a sad note, Mamma Biscuit and family would like to take this opportunity to dedicate this post to the brilliant and hilarious Joan Rivers who has passed away yesterday. Joan Rivers was a huge inspiration to me personally. She was a woman who was not afraid to laugh at herself and was completely unapologetic about being politically incorrect! From her daytime talk show in the 90s covering some of the most important gay topics that have shaped our pop culture such as Paris is Burning and club kids of The Limelight to her Red Carpet critiques at every award show known to man to her stand-up comedy acts all the way through to Fashion Police on E! and Joan & Melissa Knows Best on We TV, Joan remained a woman on top of her game and totally uninhibited in her content. She was brassy, she was in your face and she was willing to throw Anne Frank under the bus for making too much noise in the attic! Joan was the hilarious Jewish mother I never had and trust me, I would kill to have a mother who isn’t afraid to talk about how far her vagina has dropped from old age! Anyone who has ever been offended by Joan’s comedy act is a humorless pud in my book. I will miss Joan’s raspy voice or her quick, biting remarks about Hollywood’s elite on Fashion Police but most of all, I will miss her hilarious spirit! Here’s to Joan Rivers who is probably lounging on the lanai in the sky while berating God for wearing a white robe after Labor Day!

Enjoy

Posted in Editor's Note, Fashion | 10 Comments