Sixteen Candles!

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Happy birthday
Happy birthday Baby Oh
I love you so

Sixteen candles
Make a lovely sight
But not as bright
As your puggy eyes

Blow out the candles baby
Make a wish come true
For I’ll be wishing
That you love me too

You’re only sixteen (your sixteen)
But you’re my teenage queen (your my teenage queen)
But you’re the prettiest and the loveliest girl
I’ve ever seen (I’ve ever seen)

Sixteen candles
In my heart will glow
Forever and ever
Oh, for I love you so (for I love you so)

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That’s right folks, today is Mamma Biscuit’s Sweet Sixteen Birthday and boy is she everyone’s teenage dream. Hell, she’s my teenage dream and I’m pushing 40 years old! Whenever I hit the pavement with her for our daily walks, people from all over the hood stop us to ask how old she is and whenever I tell them, they are in total shock!

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“But she looks like a puppy” they all say with bewilderment and excitement to which I counter with, “She’s a regular Benjamin Button. She’s svelte, spry, aging in reverse and accidentally vegan” to which we all begin to laugh as she lunges forward on her leash to pick up a plastic bottle cap from the dirty sidewalk with her epic tongue and almost choking herself to death! I know this sounds silly but Tommy and I joke all the time that Mamma Biscuit will outlive us both. We regale ourselves with hysterical future scenarios in which both Tommy and I are in wheelchairs, pushing 80 years old, and bickering with one another about having to take Mamma Biscuit out for a walk when we can’t walk ourselves. Her fur coat will be totally white and we will rename her MOTHER TIME. The worst part of this future vignette is that our snack negotiations/tactics when it comes to soft peanut butter treats will get completely out of control as she will inevitably outsmart us both in our Golden Years and have total control over the cookie jar! Getting old is a bitch but apparently, it hasn’t been for Mamma Biscuit!

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In the meantime, let’s celebrate Mamma’s 16th birthday today, the day we picked her up at Curly Tail Pug Rescue at the ripe old age of 8. Mamma is 16 years old today which makes her a whopping 112 years old in human years! Bitch should be clearing a social security check, a pension from her imprisonment at the puppy mill down in Georgia (those fucking inhumane bastards) and she should be giving us senior citizen discounts—preferably for Tommy and I to use at the next Vivienne Westwood sample sale! Mamma Biscuit is a living legend at this point. Her epic style has been covered by almost every news outlet out there. When you’ve been photographed by Bill Cunningham (may he rest in peace) for the New York Times, there really is no higher step on the social registry ladder left for her to climb. Mamma has also been featured in several books including Tracey Stewart’s Do Unto Animals and has graced several book covers as well—and let’s face it, her wardrobe has a fucking wardrobe! Her jewelry rivals that of the collections of both Joan Rivers and Elizabeth Taylor combined and her star magnetism is as powerful as Madonna! She’s what the young generation calls “A BOSS” and she will slay everyone with her unbearable cuteness and chic sense of style!

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So today, I say to you Mamma Biscuit, thank you for giving Tommy and I the best 8 years of our lives. Here’s to the next decade of redefining what is and isn’t appropriate for an elderly pug lady to wear. You and Madonna can trail blaze ahead with zero fucks to give and a whole lot more cleavage to bare!

Please go and follow Mamma Biscuit on Instagram. Her handle is @desperatelyseekingmammabiscuit

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Happy Sweet Sixteen my little Spumoni Face!

Enjoy

Posted in Fashion, Holiday, Portraits | 5 Comments

Say Easta!

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One of my fondest memories I have of the Easter holiday took place several years ago out on Long Island. Picture it, Tommy’s mother, seated on her living room floor playing with her granddaughter while trying to teach her how to give an Easter greeting. With her thick, Lawng Islund accent, she pleaded for her to, “SAY EASTA” while the both of them giggled like two silly kids. She kept repeating it over and over again, “SAY EASTA” and we were so amused by it that for months on end, Tommy and I would drop the command out of nowhere to one another. We could be squeezing a zucchini in Whole Foods, on a dance-floor in Brooklyn or on the beach in Costa Rica and out of nowhere, either Tommy or I would scream out, “SAY EASTA” to the other for shits and giggles. So here we are, on the precipice of the Easter holiday and at least once a day, I’m looking over at our little Spumoni Face and demanding for her to, “SAY EASTA”! Of course Mamma Biscuit can barely say WOOF so she just stares at me with that adogable head tilt that only pugs can do, confused before she begins thinking that I’m gonna give her a peanut better treat.

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At any rate, Mamma Biscuit and family would like to wish you all a very Happy EASTA. It seems that Mamma has been hatched this year and ready to show you all her fabulous, new EASTA blouse. Taken from the fashionable racks in Tokyo, this peach and green polka-dotted blouse is really making all of the bitches at the Easter egg hunt at the local dog run thirsty for Mamma’s swag!

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I can’t wait for Mamma to prance right into my mother’s home this Sunday like she owns the place wearing this flowy number. My mother is gonna die, simply die over it.

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Happy Easta everyone!

Enjoy

Posted in Fashion, Holiday | 6 Comments

Cashmere and Pearls!

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Cashmere and Pearls may sound like the title of an unreleased track from the artist formerly known as Prince but Mamma Biscuit is serving it up here like the bougie Upper East Side bitch she sometimes portrays herself to be. Our little gremlin is giving us some serious glamour today to distract us all from the miserable shamrock holiday that will be taking over the island of Manhattan shortly. Now everyone that knows me well knows how miserable and vile I think St. Patrick’s Day is. The huge influx of suburbanites will be arriving shortly with their shamrock antennas and stickers all over their freckled faces while wearing awful cable knit sweaters and generally banding together in large groups to create a sea of dismal Kelly green on every side walk, obstructing pedestrians from being able to walk. This might be the appropriate time to confess that Mamma Biscuit looks terrible in green (unless it’s emerald green) as I suspect it looks terrible on everyone else except for Kyle Richards from the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills who wears every shade of green and seems to look fairly good in it all!

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As I begrudgingly wait for the crowd of loud, obnoxious people who may or may not actually be Irish to begin their copious amounts of drinking Guinness followed by their ritual of harassing real New Yorkers just trying to get to and from work before ending their day on some street corner vomiting out all of their internal organs, I’ll just stare at these fabulous portraits of Mamma Biscuit, hoping that this vision of canine couture will make right everything that is so wrong about today!

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I mean, you can’t wear a hunter green sweat shirt that reads, “kiss me, I’m Irish” and expect anyone to actually take you up on that offer when you’ve got stomach bile all over your lips after a 25-minute vomit session on the corner of 6th and 49th street. Think I’m just adding colorful text to articulate my disdain for this holiday, think again because I’m speaking from actual experience. I’ve worked in Midtown for almost 16 years and you really get to see the very worst of humanity having to endure that many St. Patrick’s Day parades! The only good thing about the parade this year is that finally, the Irish LGBTQ community will be allowed to march and show their visibility and it’s about fucking time. Here’s hoping they have more decorum than the usual who show up to this sordid affair!

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At any rate, if you find yourself accosted by the drunk LEPER-cons shuffling from one McSorley’s pub to the next, just click your way to Mamma Biscuit’s little corner on the web and enjoy her impeccable style and panache!

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Enjoy

Posted in Fashion, Holiday | 6 Comments

My Pink Valentine!

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Hey guys, it’s Mamma Biscuit and family and we’re back from a long break from blogging. So sorry for staying away for so long but we took a much needed rest from the digital world to get through the holidays and to welcome in the new year. So for starters, Happy New Year! I know, it’s quite odd saying that in the middle of February but I guess the phrase, “better late than never” seems serviceable with our greeting. What a fabulous year 2015 was and we hope to make 2016 even better as we continue to share Mamma Biscuit’s twilight years with you all who love her as much as we do. So much has been happening since our last post. We’ve been super busy cleaning and decluttering the Pug Palace to make it more spacious for our little gremlin who demands a spotless home the way she demands a soft-chew peanut butter treat. We’ve even gone through her extensive wardrobe and have shed many garments that no longer fit our pooch. She’s been growing a bit in her waistline lately and honestly, at 15 years old, she can be as big as she wants to be—she’s earned it baby!

Now close to three weeks ago, New York City endured a record-breaking blizzard that seemed to disappear as quickly as it arrived. The snow was so intense and the winds were so blustery that even the idea of taking Mamma Biscuit outdoors for a photoshoot seemed almost dangerous. I was still disappointed that I could not document Mamma and her wagging tongue in 30 inches of snowfall but this fabulous pink dress you see here that our little spumoni face is wearing was an even bigger trade-off than photographing her in the park. Let me explain. Like the typical New Yorkers that Tommy and I are, we never went food shopping to prepare for such a storm. You can’t blame us though, we have a bodega in the lobby of our building and a mini mart directly across the street that stay open 24-hours a day. Even an earthquake followed by a tsunami wouldn’t make these owners close their establishments down so 30 inches of snow to a household that does not drink milk nor need bread to feel “safe” is a piece of cake—that would be vegan cake for Tommy. With that said, Mamma Biscuit’s food supply seemed to be low and since the snow was so intense and they weren’t making any deliveries either, off I went to the local pet store to stock up. I walked into the establishment and there were customers everywhere, grabbing as many cans of food they could possibly hold in their hands, clearing out the shelves as if the world was coming to an end! Everyone was in a frenzy except for me because all I could focus on was the fact that the pet store finally brought back their clothing merchandise and my eyes zoned in on this pink fabric folded up and slightly hidden under a pile of cable knit sweaters. I ran over to the shelf, literally pushing a woman and her kitty litter out of my way to lunge for the fabric. When I unfurled the dress, I suddenly realized that this was the exact dress I had seen several years ago that I never bought for Mamma Biscuit. For some reason, I was on the fence about it back then, probably because it was around 40 bucks and it lacked a bodice but now, it was 15 bucks and I was so excited that the garment made it’s way back to me that all I could do was march up to the register and pay for it. As I walked out of the pet store, proud and feeling accomplished with Mamma Biscuit’s new fabulous frock, I suddenly realized, having walked two blocks away from the store, that I never purchased Mamma’s food. Clearly, I have my priorities in order, especially during an emergency snow storm! Fashion first, food later!

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At any rate, Tommy and I plan to have a very low-key Valentine’s Day with Mamma Biscuit and over the weekend, the temperatures were super warm and we decided to bring our little gremlin out to Fort Tryon Park to photograph her in her pink dress. I had that iconic scene of Molly Ringwald as Andie in Pretty In Pink making her Prom Dress rolling in my head when I put this fabulous frock on Mamma’s back. Still uneasy about the fullness of her bustle, I decided to whip out some pink tulle fabric I had in the closet (yes, I have such a fabric laying around the house because I’m a gay man and you never know when you’re gonna need such a thing) and added it to Mamma’s dress for more drama! What a stir she caused as passer-byes looked on at Mamma working her 10foot train of pink tulle. Many people would shout out, “where’s her groom?” as they passed on by and it took everything in me not to turn around and scream, “how presumptuous of you. She’s a lesbian and she’s waiting for her bride to arrive.”

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So that’s it folks, Mamma Biscuit is Pretty in Pink wishing you all a very dramatic Happy Valentine’s Day!

Enjoy

Posted in Fashion, Holiday | 14 Comments

Our Brilliant Holiday!

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It’s that special time of year again when Tommy and I head out in the middle of the night to Midtown to visit the most spectacular holiday windows New York City has to offer. Forget Saks 5th Avenue, Barney’s, Bloomingdales, Macy’s or Lord & Taylors because Bergdorf Goodman owns this motherfucker when it comes to the craft of holiday window decorating—and they truly are the very best in our city, if not, the very best the world has ever seen. Now if you’re looking for high fantasy, dramatic surprises, extraordinary fashion, and captivating storytelling then make it an annual tradition to see these holiday window displays because you simply won’t believe your eyes. Outside of the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center, these windows are truly an exquisite gift from New York City to the world! Of course we never take Mamma Biscuit with us when it comes to this holiday excursion but we did leave her curled up in her toile bed right below our revolving Christmas tree with Vince Guaraldi’s A Charlie Brown Christmas playing softly in the background. As our little gremlin drifted into Christmas La La Land while snoring like a pig in a barn and dreaming of peanut butter treats dancing around her little head, Tommy and I made our way down to 5th Avenue not having a clue what to expect. Every year, I try to avoid any online media coverage regarding these windows so that I can allow myself the space to be surprised and truly dazzled—and this year, David Hoey (BG’s senior director of visual presentation), Nadja Swarovski, Linda Fargo (Bergdorf’s legendary tastemaker) and their amazing team of artisans did not disappoint. Awash in more than seven million Swarovski crystals, Bergdorf’s 2015 holiday windows have been appropriately named “Brilliant Holiday” in celebration of Swarovski’s 120th anniversary and the release of a lavish monograph from Rizzoli documenting the company’s history and its far-flung collaborations in fashion, jewelry, performance, and design. Three fashion designers—Johnson Hartig of Libertine, Naeem Khan, and CD Greene—have contributed Swarovski-embellished looks for the windows, and the store’s salons are tricked out with dazzling chandeliers by design maestros Michael Anastassiades, Tord Boontje, D.B. Kim, and Yves Béhar. To celebrate its exciting new windows, Bergdorfs also opened a pop-up shop on its seventh floor —which offers limited-edition holiday pieces by designers including Tanya Taylor, Alice + Olivia and Edie Parker. Now come along and let’s take a visual tour of all five main windows and three smaller windows. Thank goodness the weather has been so unseasonably warm lately giving me the opportunity to get lost in these magnificent windows while photographing every single angle and detail for you all without worrying about frost bite on my finger tips!

We start with The Crown Jewels window which boasts two crystal-bedecked suits of armor and life-size lions flanked on either side of the Queen who has taken center stage in her lime satin crystal detailed gown—all within a massive red-velvet–lined jewel box. Bergdorf Goodman has launched a social media contest on Instagram, asking consumers to guess how many Swarovski crystals were used to bring this particular pane to life. With just one day to enter, consumers who submit their guess in time are in the running for a $1,000 gift card.

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The second window entitled Hidden Gem is exactly what you would expect—an exquisite, cavernous adventure within a cave of deep purple stalagmites. Front and center is their diamond hunter, decked out in a lavender pant suit with matching fur-trimmed jacket adorned with hundreds of Swarovski crystals. Honestly, my favorite detail in this window is the crystal encrusted bat flying beside the crystal chandelier hanging over head.

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The third window on our tour is entitled Glitterati depicting a raucous party in which mannequins dance or lounge atop cakes and larger-than-life instruments while details of treats add to the festivities—all in honoring each and every birthstone to match the twelve months of the year. This is the kind of busy window I can really get lost in, especially since everything is encrusted with crystals making it almost blinding to look at. I love that the main mannequin is sitting on a stacked aqua marine cake, holding her slice of birthday cake, in honor of the month of March—clearly because I’m a Pisces!

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The fourth window entitled The Treasure Chest is really the gem (pun intended) within the series here. A monumental sculpture of Neptune enrobed in Swarovski pearls presides over a pelagic fantasy so alluring that no mermaid—even Disney’s Ariel—would ever consider abandoning the deep. I mean, they must have drained the entire sea for this amount of pearls because I just could not believe my eyes. The actual treasure chest almost seems irrelevant to everything else within this underwater vignette of pure beauty.

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The fifth and final window on our tour is entitled The Crystal Ball depicting a fortune teller monkey sitting across from a client decked out in Gucci while a bejeweled wheel spun behind the pair to determine her fate, whether love, fortune, fame or other! This window was probably the hardest to photograph because the lights reflecting off the moving wheel and all of that glitter could probably be seen from Oslo, Norway.

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These three smaller windows were just as fabulous and just as blinding and full of details as the bigger five windows, all showcasing some really exquisite shoes, jewelry and handbags.

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So that’s it folks. It’s about brilliance for the holidays at Bergdorf Goodman so let it all shine baby!

Enjoy

Posted in Fashion, Holiday, NYC Life | 2 Comments