Who Are You Callin’ Old?


Ugh, today I turn 36 years old. I seriously can’t believe it! Just saying it to myself sounds so alien to me. How the hell did this happen? It seems like just last year I graduated college with boundless physical energy and with only two utility bills to pay—and now, here I am, 36 and in bed by 11pm every night—but don’t worry, Mamma Biscuit and I manage to watch Judge Judy from 10 to 11pm before I officially pass out! As cliché as it may sound, time does truly fly by—especially when you’re having fun living here in New York City. It seems like just last year we brought Mamma Biscuit home with us to her forever home—away from the horrors of her puppy mill past. Truth is, she’s been in our lives for almost 4 1/2 years now and life before our little gremlin seems like a vague memory I’d rather not revisit! Why would I? Mamma is the best thing to happen to me since Tommy walked into my life. Honestly, a home is not a home without a dog and if I could, I’d revise that Dionne Warwick song to reflect such a sentiment! But back to my self-pity rant for a moment; I’m literally still waiting for that “thing” to happen in my life that would indicate to me that I’ve become an official adult! I seriously have no idea how an adult should act like or feel like internally because mentally, I feel like I’m 23 years old. I still laugh like an immature boy when I hear the word penis or vagina used in any sort of conversation (LOL I’m laughing right now just typing those words in this post) and my biggest concern in life is not whether or not the world will ever find a peaceful resolution in the Middle East but rather if Madonna will have another Top 40 hit in this country—and the prospects seem bleak on both counts if you ask my opinion! So naturally, I turned to seek comfort from Mamma Biscuit because Tommy is not entertaining any of my bullshit considering he just turned 37 in January! Well, no such luck because it turns out that Mamma’s not giving me the time of day either. The Biscuit Lady has given me the “Bitch Please” side-eye and turned her back on me only to stick her butt in my face before curling down into a ball to go to sleep on the sofa! She’s probably thinking to herself that she’s 12 years old which would make her 84 in human years and she’s not even eligible to collect Social Security—a fixed income has got to suck! She’s also spent the first 7 years of her life imprisoned indoors in a puppy mill, forced to create litter after litter of puppies to be sold at pet stores across this country, so really, I should just put my shit in perspective and get over it! Come to think of it, I am an adult! I have a career of sorts (giggling), a 401K plan, a partner whom I love dearly and a pug that makes our world worth living—and the fact that I still have my dark and sometimes immature sense of humor intact is just an added bonus! I’ll curb my complaints until I reach an age where having a leg cramp becomes a reliable indication of bad weather on the horizon—until then, I’ll shut my mouth for the rest of today and keep it moving!

Now, I’ve never been one to actually make any sort of fuss or want a big party to celebrate my birthday. Having a room full of family, coworkers and friends gathered to celebrate the haphazard moment that I was born makes me want to cringe with embarrassment! So Tommy and Mamma Biscuit were respectful and thoughtful enough to surprise me with Sweet Semosh chocolate-chocolate-chip cupcakes and almond-chocolate chip cookies to kick off my day—just the three of us! Those who know me best know that I’m a huge cowboy boot fanatic (I have about 20 pairs of boots, probably more if I dig deeper in my closets) and love anything western related so Tommy garnished these sweets with some really cool western cupcake liners and iconic western toppers made of paper!


It seemed only fitting to grab my cowboy hat, my old lady, Mamma Biscuit, and pose for some Sears-style birthday portraits in front of this lovely spread of sweets! YEEHA! All that’s missing is a crackling fire place behind us and Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers spinning on the record player! By the way, this off white cowboy hat made of felt was a hand-me-down gift from Tommy’s grandpa several years ago. Papa is the coolest man I know! He’s got the same sounding voice and swagger of Mr. Johnny Cash and the man is in his late 90’s and still wears his boots, spurs, vest, hat and turquoise jewelry while managing to upkeep the trimming and styling of his facial hair. In other words, he’s the man I aspire to be when I grow up!


I think I see a little pug head peaking up at the sweets, do you?


Another photo wearing my black cowboy hat—nothing wrong with a costume change!


Birthdays make me reflective and nostalgic and I thought what better way to celebrate here on Mamma’s blog than to open the vault on some really old photographs of our favorite toothless pug on the internet! It’s really my gift to you all for sticking around to see exactly what Mamma Biscuit is up to from week to week and how her golden years unfold here in NYC! So come along down Mamma’s memory lane, you’re gonna love it!

Bath time with Mamma can be one tongue-rolling experience!


Elegance on a hideous sofa!


It may be my birthday but Mamma is always the belle of every ball!


Lounging and it feels so good!


The Queen of our pantheon!


Horsin’ around!


Yachting with the Biscuit Lady!


It’s all about Mamma Biscuit no matter what day it may be! I don’t care if you are the Queen of England and it’s your birthday, if Mamma Biscuit is in the room, you’ll have to take a back seat to her!


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24 Responses to Who Are You Callin’ Old?

  1. Iris says:

    Herzlichen Glückwunsch – All the best from across the Big Pond!
    May your Birthday Be Full of Fun Hours with your two loved ones.
    Viele Grüße aus Deutschland – Greetings from Germany :o)

  2. I LOVE how Tommy isn’t entertaining any of your bullshit! FYI- I have a mortgage and 2 kids. The only thing that made me feel like an adult was buying a king size bed!

    • The Biscuits says:

      LOL Christina, at least you have that—a house and a king size bed! If I die, the only things I can leave to Mamma Biscuit is an entire archive of Christmas decorations, my bus pass and a loofah sponge! YEAH, that’s my estate!! xoxo

  3. Funaek says:

    Happy birthday! I totally know what you mean as I still feel like I’m in my early-mid twenties. Love the Mamma’s memory lane photos!

    • The Biscuits says:

      I think we should just stay mentally in our mid twenties—it’s the mindset I’d like to have for the rest of my life! I thought you’d love Mamma’s memory lane!

  4. Patty says:

    Hi Biscuit family! and a happy, happy birthday John. I just totally love Mamma B in her bath photo! and lounging on the couch with that big pug smile! Anyhoo… just wanted to say that when you are looking at the big 5-0 on the horizon (like me! egads!, in another 2 years, that is) then you should have your pity party! lol!

    xoxo Patty

    • The Biscuits says:

      LOL Patty! Thanks for the great Birthday wish and yes, Mamma Biscuit put a screeching halt to my pathetic pity party regarding my age! My big 5-0 will be here before I know it, so I’m just gonna embrace getting older and find the humor in it all—because that’s how I’ve survived all along! ;-) Call me when you want to hash out your pity party in two years, I love a good whining fest!

      I’m so glad you like Mamma’s photos from the vault! That tongue-curl in her bath time photo is seriously EPIC!

  5. Jana says:

    You took the Sears conservative route and didn’t don your birthday suit!

    Thank you for this post with a burgeoning 37 very close to the horizon, and not knowing; minus the partner and 401K and all that other adult-needy BULLcrap, when I’ll ever be adult and yes, I still giggle like I’m 12, too, but you.just.HAVE.to.
    Thank you for keeping certain people laughing.
    Continue to spoil your adorable Dame, sans chocolate. (What the fruck was Tommy thinking and NOT baking something with Carab for her? Sheesh) because even though you prep for the golden years for and with them, it is an acute, terrible pain that leaves you literally reeling on the floor – recently lost my son. And look at me hijacking with that depressive, bit. Get outta here, lady. Every minute with our canines is a wonderful gift; even when they expel gas in your face at 3 a.m.

    Thank you again for the smile of my day.

    • The Biscuits says:

      OMG Jana, I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your son! I’m at least that Mamma Biscuit can give you a smile and make you laugh because she too passes wind whenever I pick her up—and I giggle at her because like I said in the post, I’m forever 21—just like that horrendous clothing store! I intend on spoiling Mamma Biscuit for the rest of her life—it’s the only way I know how to show how much I love her! To tell you the truth, there was a time when I would have considered posing with my birthday suit but the waistline grows and my chutzpah diminishes with every passing year—so the cowboy is quite enough!

  6. Courtney says:

    Happy Happy Belated Birthday :) – didn’t you hear that 36 is the new 23? LOVE the Mamma Memory Lane – Mamma riding a rocking horse! Could it get any better than that? And the cowboy stuff is fantastic! When do we get to see you model your boot collection? Hope you had a wonderful day and I hope that 36 is your best year yet!

    • The Biscuits says:

      LOL Thanks so much Courtney for the belated Birthday greeting! I’m kind of shocked that I have yet to stage a photoshoot of Mamma stuffed into and hanging out of one of my cowboy boots! Perhaps a Patsy Cline inspired post is in the near future! In the meanwhile, I’m enjoying 36 as the new 23—wearing an off white chunky knit (as you see in these photos) as the new black!

  7. Candy says:

    Happy Birthday!!! You have the best present of them all, the love of a little queen puglet who couldn’t be cuter!

    Mamma Memory Lane!! Sighhhh. She could win awards for that tongue roll.

    • The Biscuits says:

      Thank you Candy! You drive home a good point, Mamma Biscuit is a birthday gift that keeps on giving all year long! I also agree that her tongue roll should have landed her at least a daytime Emmy Award if not an Oscar in my opinion! ;-)

  8. Happy Birthday! I just wanted to say that I am Mamma Biscuit’s newest (and biggest) fan. She is the most adorable creature I’ve ever laid eyes on. In fact, I dedicated my last blog post to her (and her sartorial rules) – hope you like! x

    • The Biscuits says:

      OMG Natalie, your current post paying homage to our Mamma Biscuit is just so wonderful, THANK YOU! Mamma Biscuit is practically glowing and blushing with all of your compliments! I also love the selection of photos you’ve put into your post! Welcome aboard, Mamma is sending you pug hugs and kisses! xoxoxo

  9. Lizzie says:

    Happy birthday!! I think it’s looking less ‘vintage Sears’ & more ‘retro House Beautiful’ :) You are rockin’ that sweater!

  10. Steve & Milo in Miami says:

    Dearest Biscuits
    Our best wishes to you John as you celebrate the big 3-6! Now that the pleasantries have been dispensed with please allow me to scream a great big GET OVER YOURSELF SISTER!
    As I read your post to Milo he too cast the “Bitch Please” side-eye. He is about to turn 11 on April 13th, and he is expecting gifts…
    Steve has 20 years on you and would like to share this pearl of wisdom: you’re in the prime of your life! ENJOY, ENJOY ENJOY! Trust me sister, after 50 things begin to deteriorate quickly. Just wait until you come to realize the disturbing fact that the tickling sensation in your ears is due to the hair that now grows in them. It seems that is where the hair on my legs has migrated to. And somehow my butt has been relocated to my belly.
    Milo, being almost exclusively white haired, has been spared the humiliating of graying hair. Steve, on the other hand, is now forced to keep his temple hairs trimmed closely lest he look like Bernadette Peters in Young Frankenstein.
    So while you may mourn the passing of youth, you can celebrate the wisdom of maturity, Whatever happens, you are the luckiest dude on earth (or at least the tri-state area) to share these days with your Tommy and the most fabulous Mamma Biscuit.

    Best wishes for many more years!

    BTW, the pics! It is indeed some epic tongue rolling. The look on Mamma’s face as she rides the horse is somewhere between delight and terror. Let’s acknowledge that the bitch rocks a tiara!

    So once again, we wish you a happy birthday and a graceful transition to maturity.

    Steve & Milo

    • The Biscuits says:

      LOLOL This is by far the best comment we have ever recieved here on Mamma’s little corner on the web! I have a confession to make, I already have hair growing out of my ears and on my lobes! I came to this disturbing conclusion two years ago at my barber shop. While my Russian barber was buzzing what little hair I have left on my head, he ran the buzzer on and in my ear shocking the living daylights out of me! It also didn’t help that at that very moment, a Peruvian man walked in and tried to sell a stack of 9-volt batteries to my barber, thus distracting him while he was scaping unchartered territory on my ears with a buzzer sans attachments! Talk about a coming-of-age moment in the East Village of New York Fucking City! Isn’t it amazing that at a certain age, the hair stops growing where you want it to grow and starts growing in places like the ears or nose? UGH! You and Milo are a riot, no matter where your butt has relocated or how uncanny it is that Milo resembles Bernadette Peters, I treasure your pearls of wisdom and will never take what I have in my life for granted! Thanks so much for making me roll over with laughter reading your Birthday greeting, it’s hilarious!

      PS: 50 is truly the new 40! I mean, just look at Madonna, she looks like she belongs in a wax museum and I can only hope I follow in her frozen-in-time foot steps! LOL of course I’ll need a Doctor in Beverly Hills to help me along the way . . . I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it!

      John, Tommy and Mamma Biscuit!

      • Steve & Milo in Miami says:

        Dearest Biscuits,
        Thank you John for the compliment. It seems we are “birds of a feather!”
        50 may be the new 40, but 55 feels like the old 70. If I had Madonna’s genes and $, I too would be ageless.
        Now, Milo insists I clear up a misunderstanding. It is Steve who looks like Bernadette Peters in Young Frankenstein if he lets the hair at his temples grow more than 1/4”. Milo, with his natural white hair, looks as youthful as ever.
        BTW, those almond chocolate chip cookies look divine. Steve would make that plate disappear in a New York minute

        Steve & Milo.

  11. Maren says:

    JOHN! I missed your birthday. SO sorry! I am not on Facebook right now, so I didn’t know. I hope you had a wonderful day. Please let’s make plans soon! xoxo

    • The Biscuits says:

      OMG Maren, I’ve missed you on Facebook! Thanks for your belated Birthday greeting and we shall make plans soon enough! We will have to get Vadim involved, obviously! xoxo

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