Well, it was bound to happen. As they say in Rome (Vatican City to be exact) you never know when the smoke will blow your way. So when I saw that glorious white smoke billowing across the Atlantic Ocean and streaming across the fire escape at the Pug Palace here in New York City, I knew the vote had been cast. Well actually, at first I called the fire department thinking my next door neighbor fell asleep with a cigarette dangling from her mouth but then I came to my senses. Now if you think the church has endured way too many controversies before then I would suggest you all buckle up your seat belts because there is a new Pontiff in power and she (that’s right, I said she damn it) is looking to make major changes to a corrupt and broken institution. For starters, the fact that Mamma Biscuit is now your new Pope is a clear indication that the sexist and archaic viewpoints regarding women and their roles in the church have shifted dramatically! Here’s another change you can add to the history books, Gay marriage under Pug Pontiff is officially no longer an issue! We’re queer, we’re here, we couple, we love, we nest and we build families—GET USED TO IT! Now for all of you crazy right wing nuts out there who get their misinformation from FOX News, Mamma Biscuit also approves of dogs and cats getting married . . . to each other . . . with multiple partners—so chew on that bitches! Don’t even try to appeal any of these new changes either because Mamma’s authoritative stance of inclusion for all is backed up by the royal vestments on her back. Our bitch means business! Of course the gold accented robe and hat fit her beautifully but we needed a bible of sorts to complete her position. So I did what any respectable gay Atheist would do in such a situation—I dug up and dusted off my Madonna SEX book! Hey, don’t give me the side eye people, Madonna’s SEX book has a metal cover and the content is practically identical to any bible you can find in the night stand of any hotel room after a night of unbridled passion with your mistress! I mean, just look at Madonna in this detailed scripture of Dita: mistress of Erotica, circa 1992.
This is exactly how Mary reacted after God made her conceive immaculately. I can just hear her saying, “I’m pregnant? FUCK . . . but I didn’t even get to have sex.” Don’t even get me started on how poor Joseph reacted to becoming a father without experiencing the joys of ejaculation. I would have flipped to that parallel photo in Madonna’s SEX book but I thought it was just too graphic for this post. Anyway, the point is, God is a vengeful bastard who resides squarely between Hypocrite Avenue and Sadism Street! But I digress, back to Pope Mamma Biscuit. There have been many changes implemented since we strapped on her robe and hat but the most important of all changes is making Halloween the new Christmas. Under Mamma’s papal guidance, we say, “take a hike Jesus.” Now some of you may say, “keep Christ in Christmas” but we say, “keep Satan in your heart on Halloween if not, all year long.” Here at the Pug Palace, we celebrate the ghost and goblins that come out on that magical spooky night but we also celebrate anything rebellious or mischievous—and that sort of attitude has rubbed off on our little gremlin.
So now that Mamma Biscuit has accepted this position of power and welcomed you all in, come take a tour of her new church: THE HOUSE OF HALLOWEEN WORSHIP! I suggest you leave all your inhibitions at the front door along with your shoes because I don’t have enough time during my busy day to swiffer these apartment floors!
Feast upon our altar of Halloween goods. This is the visual gospel according to Mamma Biscuit! The Grand Wizard (Tim Curry) from The Worst Witch would be so proud of such a display! Let us all rejoice for Halloween and the dead!
In Mamma’s House of Halloween worship, the Eucharist Tabernacle (the most sacred spot in any church) is replaced by the most glorious and frightful Halloween tree you have ever seen. Mamma Biscuit’s name is the focal point of this tree by way of a fabulous garland that I put together that spells out each letter of her name set in a Gothic font. We’ve got a menagerie of Victorian string puppets, glass balls, spiral twists, skulls, skeletons, paper bats, body parts and Krampus, the Austrian and Bavarian Christmas icon swirling around this creepy tree. This tree and Mamma’s annual Halloween costume is the foundation of Halloween and now the foundation of modern Christianity!
So that’s it folks, our tour has finally come to a conclusion. We leave you all to go out and spread the new word of the Lord—the faith in Halloween and Pope Mamma Biscuit as she leads us straight into temptation and delivers us directly to the VIP lounge in Hell! Only two more weeks before we unveil Mamma Biscuit’s annual Halloween costume and this year, it’s gonna be EPIC!