Mamma’s House of Halloween Worship!

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Well, it was bound to happen. As they say in Rome (Vatican City to be exact) you never know when the smoke will blow your way. So when I saw that glorious white smoke billowing across the Atlantic Ocean and streaming across the fire escape at the Pug Palace here in New York City, I knew the vote had been cast. Well actually, at first I called the fire department thinking my next door neighbor fell asleep with a cigarette dangling from her mouth but then I came to my senses. Now if you think the church has endured way too many controversies before then I would suggest you all buckle up your seat belts because there is a new Pontiff in power and she (that’s right, I said she damn it) is looking to make major changes to a corrupt and broken institution. For starters, the fact that Mamma Biscuit is now your new Pope is a clear indication that the sexist and archaic viewpoints regarding women and their roles in the church have shifted dramatically! Here’s another change you can add to the history books, Gay marriage under Pug Pontiff is officially no longer an issue! We’re queer, we’re here, we couple, we love, we nest and we build families—GET USED TO IT! Now for all of you crazy right wing nuts out there who get their misinformation from FOX News, Mamma Biscuit also approves of dogs and cats getting married . . . to each other . . . with multiple partners—so chew on that bitches! Don’t even try to appeal any of these new changes either because Mamma’s authoritative stance of inclusion for all is backed up by the royal vestments on her back. Our bitch means business! Of course the gold accented robe and hat fit her beautifully but we needed a bible of sorts to complete her position. So I did what any respectable gay Atheist would do in such a situation—I dug up and dusted off my Madonna SEX book! Hey, don’t give me the side eye people, Madonna’s SEX book has a metal cover and the content is practically identical to any bible you can find in the night stand of any hotel room after a night of unbridled passion with your mistress! I mean, just look at Madonna in this detailed scripture of Dita: mistress of Erotica, circa 1992.

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This is exactly how Mary reacted after God made her conceive immaculately. I can just hear her saying, “I’m pregnant? FUCK . . . but I didn’t even get to have sex.” Don’t even get me started on how poor Joseph reacted to becoming a father without experiencing the joys of ejaculation. I would have flipped to that parallel photo in Madonna’s SEX book but I thought it was just too graphic for this post. Anyway, the point is, God is a vengeful bastard who resides squarely between Hypocrite Avenue and Sadism Street! But I digress, back to Pope Mamma Biscuit. There have been many changes implemented since we strapped on her robe and hat but the most important of all changes is making Halloween the new Christmas. Under Mamma’s papal guidance, we say, “take a hike Jesus.” Now some of you may say, “keep Christ in Christmas” but we say, “keep Satan in your heart on Halloween if not, all year long.” Here at the Pug Palace, we celebrate the ghost and goblins that come out on that magical spooky night but we also celebrate anything rebellious or mischievous—and that sort of attitude has rubbed off on our little gremlin.

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So now that Mamma Biscuit has accepted this position of power and welcomed you all in, come take a tour of her new church: THE HOUSE OF HALLOWEEN WORSHIP! I suggest you leave all your inhibitions at the front door along with your shoes because I don’t have enough time during my busy day to swiffer these apartment floors!

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Feast upon our altar of Halloween goods. This is the visual gospel according to Mamma Biscuit! The Grand Wizard (Tim Curry) from The Worst Witch would be so proud of such a display! Let us all rejoice for Halloween and the dead!

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In Mamma’s House of Halloween worship, the Eucharist Tabernacle (the most sacred spot in any church) is replaced by the most glorious and frightful Halloween tree you have ever seen. Mamma Biscuit’s name is the focal point of this tree by way of a fabulous garland that I put together that spells out each letter of her name set in a Gothic font. We’ve got a menagerie of Victorian string puppets, glass balls, spiral twists, skulls, skeletons, paper bats, body parts and Krampus, the Austrian and Bavarian Christmas icon swirling around this creepy tree. This tree and Mamma’s annual Halloween costume is the foundation of Halloween and now the foundation of modern Christianity!

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So that’s it folks, our tour has finally come to a conclusion. We leave you all to go out and spread the new word of the Lord—the faith in Halloween and Pope Mamma Biscuit as she leads us straight into temptation and delivers us directly to the VIP lounge in Hell! Only two more weeks before we unveil Mamma Biscuit’s annual Halloween costume and this year, it’s gonna be EPIC!

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Enjoy

Posted in Holiday, Vintage | 8 Comments

Mamma on Autopilot!

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Life can really be tough here living in New York City. Our jobs can be demanding and stressful, the rent keeps going up as neighborhoods gentrify and the Subway system continues to be a slow and sluggish piece of antiquated machinery that seems to make any simple commute a nightmare! Competition is fierce, the pace is fast and you’ve got to give more and move fast if you want any good thing to last. The hours of the day steam roll by and weeks blend into months as we busily toil away with growing our careers and our 401K plans while trying to keep some semblance of a social life. In between all of that, the wrinkles pile up and the gray hair begins to show—or in my case, the hair just falls out completely. Fortunately, through it all, I can always rely on Mamma Biscuit to save my world. When I’m feeling depressed or overwhelmed (or worse, after watching the world news) all I need to do is look down at my feet and there she is, blinking her watery eyes at me in her flirtatious way while giving me her signature pug head-tilt, gently reminding me that I better not leave the damn room until I place a peanut butter treat in her mouth. Boy do I love feeling her gums with my finger tips when she boisterously bites down on those treats. I can carry the entire weight of the world’s problems on my shoulders throughout the day but the moment I turn the key to the door at the Pug Palace, that weight is instantly lifted! I’m sure that Mamma’s blog here acts like that kind refuge for you all as well. Throughout the day, you can log on and touch base with your favorite toothless pug on the internet—and the stresses of that horrible meeting at work suddenly melt away. Checking in on Mamma Biscuit is a great way to forget about impending layoffs, difficult bosses or anyone looking to procrastinate! Some need coffee, most of us need the unbearable cuteness of a pug. That’s why I have suited our little gremlin up like the hero she is to distract from the struggles of life. Armed with love, snorts and a long tongue, Mamma Biscuit is on a mission to make everyone across the globe smile—and that’s the love bomb she drops!

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Now isn’t this pilot suit with built in hoody absolutely adorable? Mamma’s like the pug version of Snoopy—and I guess that would make me Charlie Brown considering I like to complain a lot too! Be thankful I was able to colorize these vintage photos of Mamma Biscuit perched upon a park bench before taking her position as pilot aboard her love plane! The plane brooch in gold metal is just the right touch for this ensemble—and if you are all wondering why I didn’t wrap a scarf around her neck, well, I just assumed her tongue would billow out in the wind instead! Our little gremlin is on a mission to save this world from boredom and stress—one pug hug and a kiss at a time! Just watch out for the spittle falling from the sky!

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On another note, Today marks the beginning of Halloween season and all we can say is be prepared! We’ve got some fun spooky tales to share with you all this month, all concluding with Mamma Biscuit’s annual Halloween costume—and boy will it be epic this year!

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Stay tuned. . . .

Enjoy

Posted in Fashion, Vintage | 15 Comments

Treasures Along Route 127!

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What would you say if I told you that there is a yard sale that stretches over 690 miles from Addison, Michigan to Gadsden, Alabama along Route 127? Would you believe me if I told you that it is aptly titled The Worlds Longest Yard Sale? Well kids, it’s all true and to a couple of junker junkies like Tommy and I, it’s a fucking dream come true. When Tommy first approached me about possibly venturing out to this event, I thought he was spinning a long and drawn out joke on me but once I sat down and pecked my computer keys away to research it all online, I too knew it was something that needed to be added to our bucket list. More importantly, it needed to be pushed ahead of the line to the very top of the list of things to see and do as soon as possible! Over the course of a four-day weekend every year in August, communities across five states along Route 127 welcome an onslaught of thousands of visitors from North, South, East and West looking to get their junk-on. There are literally homeowners selling stuff they’ve accumulated throughout the years as well as professional dealers and vendors in clusters along the route all with one common goal in mind—to look, haggle, buy and sell! Since this event took place in the dead of August, we knew from the start that Mamma Biscuit would have to sit this road trip out. It’s unfortunate because it would have been so amusing to have our little gremlin along for the ride through these parts of America but I just didn’t want to chance having her be really uncomfortable outdoors in the unbearable heat. It seems almost silly now to think about the Summer heat as we are just about to enter the cool Autumn season but this year seems to be flying by so quickly. Before I know it, Mamma Biscuit will be sitting on Santa’s lap snorting her Christmas list into his ear!

At any rate, Mamma Biscuit spent her days with grandma in Westchester County being pampered like the queen that she is while Tommy and I drove out to Crossville, Tennessee to start our junking tour. Our plan was to take this yard sale from Crossville, Tennessee into Danville, Kentucky and than on through Harrodsburg, Lawrenceburg, Frankfort, and Covington, Kentucky and concluding our tour in Cincinnati, Ohio. Visiting this part of the country was like walking on Mars. The people were very friendly but very Christian and bibles, billboards reading “are you prepared? Jesus is coming” and giant lawn crosses seemed to materialize out of nowhere! Our first night in Tennessee was spent at the lovely McCoy B&B somewhere out in the back roads of Dolly Parton land run by a married couple, Annette and Bill. Nothing seemed more welcoming to an Atheist like myself (after an entire day of driving) then to find a giant edition of The Amplified Bible on our night stand in our room. Fortunately, both Annette and Bill made sure we were very comfortable and cozy in every way possible. We spent the following day riding through Tennessee into Kentucky while stopping every ten minutes to shop at vendors along the route and boy was that a whole lot of fun. You haven’t really experienced a yard sale until you can drive from vendor to vendor. During that first day out, I started to think that it would have been totally fine to bring Mamma Biscuit with us. Well, better to be safe than sorry! Our second evening was spent in Danville, Kentucky where we stayed at The Farm, a lovely estate run by Angie & Roy. Our accommodations were incredible. Our bed was the size of a California King and we had a jacuzzi tub in the biggest bathroom I had ever laid eyes on. I got totally lost in the glamorous accommodations that I forgot I was actually in Kentucky or that I had a car load full of vintage Christmas goods from the yard sale.

By the time we drove into Cincinnati, Ohio, we could barely see beyond the pile of treasures in the back seat of the car blocking the rear window. When we got to Cincinnati, everything changed. Firstly, the moment we drove over the Ohio River, we went from beautiful Kentucky country land into the slums of WKRP-Cincinnati. We checked into The Parker House, the oldest B&B in the city (1870) run by Mark and Patti. This house was beyond my wildest imagination. It was a cross between V.C. Andrews’ Flowers in the Attic, Norman Bates’ home in Psycho and Nicole Kidman in The Others! We were greeted at the door by a man named Mark who could have been the oldest hippie biker I have ever seen in my entire life. He had a ZZ Top beard and mustache and began regaling us with stories about being a trophy husband who built “this house” up from ruin to what it is today. Patti never materialized and since both Mark and Patti lived in the attic of the house, I just assumed she was either dead and mummified or she was just a figment of Mark’s imagination. Let’s just say that we had a giant suite that had a fireplace with maroon rugs, civil war furniture, heavy velvet drapes, a bedroom with a bed that I swear the Queen of Austria must have slept in a hundred years ago and a bathroom with a beautiful giant claw-foot tub. Now listen up people, Cincinnati turned out to be the most dilapidated and sketchy city I have ever visited in my entire life—and that says a lot from a man who’s well traveled and lives in New York City. The whole fucking city was either under construction or resembled the Bronx in the 70s, when it was burning down! Kiev in Ukraine has more commerce and a thriving pedestrian life than Cincinnati—with less homeless people too! There is absolutely no reason why anyone would want to visit this city outside of laughing at the pitiful Saks 5th Avenue in the downtown area or visiting The American Sign Museum—and even then, the curation of the vintage signs and ironically, the actual sign for the museum itself were both questionable! Tommy and I stumbled upon what could have been the only gay establishment in the city on the first day we were there. It was a bookstore/magazine/backroom/rainbow jewelry stand run by a despondent guy named George who put a sign up on the front door that read, “No Hustlers Allowed” and a sign by the dildos and magazines that read, “don’t fuck up the magazines and if you’re caught playing, we will throw you out” As I was reading the anti-hustler sign (and being slightly offended) on the front door before entering, some guy in a van drove by on the street and started blowing kisses at me in an effeminate way. Both Tommy and I burst out laughing! I couldn’t imagine what life would be like living as a gay man in Cincinnati. Strangely, the yard sale seemed to disappear once we got into Cincinnati and after visiting for a full day, we too wanted to disappear from the city entirely.

At any rate, since I have kept you all abreast of our seasonal vintage finds from time to time on Mamma’s little corner on the web here, I’d like to dedicate this post to all the great things we found along our five-day excursion junking through America. If these acquisitions aren’t another glaring sign that I need a bigger Christmas tree then I don’t know what is! So enjoy the photos and hopefully, these ornaments will inspire your seasonal decor!

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Enjoy!

Posted in Travel, Vintage | 2 Comments

Fall Into Autumn!

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My favorite time of year has finally arrived people. Summer is O-V-E-R! Thank goodness, bring on the cooler weather right now. School is back in session and the streets and subways of NYC are filled with kids of all ages showing off their new kicks, jeans and cropped tops. The 90s are back with a vengeance and one does not have to look any further than the public school systems to know it’s true. It has been like swimming in a sea of flannel shirts, Doc Marten boots, black denim and accents of all sorts of gold jewelry during my commute on the subway every morning this week. These kids don’t give a crap that it has hit 90-degrees each day this week, they’re gonna wear their new school clothes, temperature permitting or not! The mere sight of these outfits makes me feel like I’m an extra on Rihanna’s We Found Love music video—and being the perpetual 21 year old that I am who occasionally scours the women’s department at Forever 21 and who has suffered through high school in the early 90s, I seem to fit right in.

You know what I love about September? I love that I feel compelled to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe even though I haven’t seen the inside of a classroom in over a decade. What can I say, I still want to look cool enough to sit in the back of the bus with the other delinquents who are busy toiling away at slashing the leather bus seats with their switchblades. You know what I love even more than my penchant for acting dumb, young and full of cum? It’s the chance to get Mamma Biscuit back into her high fashion wardrobe and outdoors prancing all around NYC. Someone has to show all the other canines residing on the island of Manhattan how it’s really done and that someone is Mamma Biscuit! I’d like to think that I refer to the September Issue of Vogue magazine to stay abreast on what’s going on in fashion but the truth is, Mamma Biscuit is the one who follows that bible more than I do. After all, she was Anna Wintour for Dogue magazine many years ago for Halloween and she knows how important Fall fashion really is. With that said, I have compiled a batch of iconic Fall fashion looks from Mamma Biscuit’s archives to get you all gassed up for the new season. Whether you’re a kid who needs to follow the pack in school when it comes to the right pair of jeans and sneakers, a label whore who blows their entire rent money at a Vivienne Westood sample sale, a fashion editor seated at every front row of every fashion show at Lincoln Center or a big city pooch looking to reinvent herself before hitting the local dog run, this post is for YOU! I would consider myself lucky If I turned out to be half as fashionable as Mamma Biscuit is when I get to be her age. So come along and take a stroll down the runway with your favorite toothless pug on the internet. You may find some inspiration to spruce up your Fall wardrobe or better yet, your life!

Herringbone suit jackets in earth tones are all the rage this Fall. Just add a silk scarf and you’ve got one smart look that’s ready for a business meeting or lunch with a good friend at Le Cirque!

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Faux fur is all the rage—especially accompanied by a Fraggle Rock/Cookie Monster silhouette. Think club kids in the 90s. Mamma Biscuit here has made this trend age appropriate by adding a fabulous brooch that was hand-selected from the Nan Kempner archives.

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Who said pale colors are for Spring only? Quite the opposite actually and Mamma Biscuit sure was ahead of the curve when she sported this pale pink waist coat paired with a dramatic feather and lace brooch. Tim Gunn would be so proud of our fashionable pooch!

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Indian Summer has set you back? Throw on a chocolate brown giraffe print dress with blue piping. Breezy enough for a late afternoon walk through the park!

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Pretty in pink is pretty all year long. Earth tones are so literal, why not stand out in pink with a pearl brooch?

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Ghetto fabulous fits perfectly into Fall attire. A homegirl is complete with her faux fur trimmed hoody coat for those chilly days paired with a descriptive name plate to warn others to back off!

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Chinatown chic is all the rage this Fall. Faux fur lined for a cozy fit while walking through the fish markets on Canal Street from September on!

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Money can’t buy you class and elegance is learned! Let Mamma show you what money can really buy and teach you a thing or two about wearing a faux fur dress coat this Fall!

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Sweater dresses are a Fall staple and the bolder the color, the more you’ll stand out among the herd!

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Chanel bouclé in chocolate brown is where it’s at this Fall. This look, like Mamma Biscuit is as sweet as a truffle!

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So there you have it folks. On a sad note, Mamma Biscuit and family would like to take this opportunity to dedicate this post to the brilliant and hilarious Joan Rivers who has passed away yesterday. Joan Rivers was a huge inspiration to me personally. She was a woman who was not afraid to laugh at herself and was completely unapologetic about being politically incorrect! From her daytime talk show in the 90s covering some of the most important gay topics that have shaped our pop culture such as Paris is Burning and club kids of The Limelight to her Red Carpet critiques at every award show known to man to her stand-up comedy acts all the way through to Fashion Police on E! and Joan & Melissa Knows Best on We TV, Joan remained a woman on top of her game and totally uninhibited in her content. She was brassy, she was in your face and she was willing to throw Anne Frank under the bus for making too much noise in the attic! Joan was the hilarious Jewish mother I never had and trust me, I would kill to have a mother who isn’t afraid to talk about how far her vagina has dropped from old age! Anyone who has ever been offended by Joan’s comedy act is a humorless pud in my book. I will miss Joan’s raspy voice or her quick, biting remarks about Hollywood’s elite on Fashion Police but most of all, I will miss her hilarious spirit! Here’s to Joan Rivers who is probably lounging on the lanai in the sky while berating God for wearing a white robe after Labor Day!

Enjoy

Posted in Editor's Note, Fashion | 10 Comments

Granny Chic . . . I think!

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There are many ways for Mamma Biscuit to close out the Summer of 2014 and unfortunately, she’s chosen to do so by wearing this hideous knitted poncho that can only be described as something Barbara Jean would wear on the sitcom Reba! Seriously y’all, I don’t think our fashionable gremlin has ever been vulnerable in landing herself on any worst dress list before but if Joan Rivers and the entire panel on Fashion Police get a glimpse of these photos, she’s good as toast. OK, before you go ahead and make assumptions about Mamma’s first (and hopefully last) fashion faux pas please consider this, I did not have anything to do with selecting this poncho. In fact, Tommy was the one who had a serious love affair with this knitted monstrosity while perusing the racks of a doggy boutique in Kentucky several weeks ago during our junking tour through the Midwest—more to come on that in a future post. We were walking through a flea market in a small town located right across the Ohio River in Kentucky when we stumbled upon a cute doggy boutique selling clothes and naturally, I plowed through the doors with the excitement of a lotto winner looking to cash in on his prize. Let’s just say that I picked up a super chic Autumnal dress for our little Biscuit Lady that has “Thanksgiving-in-Connecticut” written all over it. Now while I was looking for something fabulous and couture, Tommy went ahead and pulled this knitted poncho out from what looked like the discount bin and screamed, “she has to have this.”

Really? Mamma Biscuit has to have THIS?!?

At this point, your knee deep in this post and these photos so I don’t think I have to go any further here—we bought the damn poncho, partly because I have a sense of humor and partly because Tommy was unyielding! If that wasn’t bad enough, when I was styling Mamma for this shoot, Tommy continued on with his commentary by saying, “she looks like she’s dressed for a cool sunset at the beach in the Hamptons during Labor Day weekend”

Again, really?

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I’ve never been to the Hamptons before and I don’t want to discourage Tommy for building up a narrative in his head about this poncho but I would assume that no one is wearing a knitted poncho (especially one that looks like this) to watch the sunset on a cool late afternoon in the Hamptons—OR ANYWHERE FOR THAT MATTER! Ok, maybe Barbara Jean might be wearing such a poncho but that’s only if Reba had an episode revolving the Labor Day weekend—and I don’t quite remember ever seeing one. YES, I watch Reba and YES I love it and NO, I don’t have any shame about it either!

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So there I was, clicking away on my camera as Mamma was modeling this knitted poncho and trying to convince myself that this was somehow an Anthropologie look. Was it comical to see Mamma work this knitted tent while almost tripping over that tasseled yarn edge, YES. Was it high fashion, HELL NO! Notice how I made matters worse by adorning the poncho with a brooch in the shape of a tube of red lipstick. SASSY isn’t it?

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The whole look is just so strange but instead of shelving this photoshoot and locking it away in the Mamma Biscuit Vault (yes, there is such a thing and no, you can’t have access to it) I decided to entertain you all with the hilarity of this and to bring a smile to your face as the Summer of 2014 concludes. Don’t worry about Mamma Biscuit though, she’ll bounce back from this fashion faux pas!

Enjoy and Happy Labor Day!

Posted in Fashion, Holiday | 15 Comments