Fall Into Autumn!

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My favorite time of year has finally arrived people. Summer is O-V-E-R! Thank goodness, bring on the cooler weather right now. School is back in session and the streets and subways of NYC are filled with kids of all ages showing off their new kicks, jeans and cropped tops. The 90s are back with a vengeance and one does not have to look any further than the public school systems to know it’s true. It has been like swimming in a sea of flannel shirts, Doc Marten boots, black denim and accents of all sorts of gold jewelry during my commute on the subway every morning this week. These kids don’t give a crap that it has hit 90-degrees each day this week, they’re gonna wear their new school clothes, temperature permitting or not! The mere sight of these outfits makes me feel like I’m an extra on Rihanna’s We Found Love music video—and being the perpetual 21 year old that I am who occasionally scours the women’s department at Forever 21 and who has suffered through high school in the early 90s, I seem to fit right in.

You know what I love about September? I love that I feel compelled to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe even though I haven’t seen the inside of a classroom in over a decade. What can I say, I still want to look cool enough to sit in the back of the bus with the other delinquents who are busy toiling away at slashing the leather bus seats with their switchblades. You know what I love even more than my penchant for acting dumb, young and full of cum? It’s the chance to get Mamma Biscuit back into her high fashion wardrobe and outdoors prancing all around NYC. Someone has to show all the other canines residing on the island of Manhattan how it’s really done and that someone is Mamma Biscuit! I’d like to think that I refer to the September Issue of Vogue magazine to stay abreast on what’s going on in fashion but the truth is, Mamma Biscuit is the one who follows that bible more than I do. After all, she was Anna Wintour for Dogue magazine many years ago for Halloween and she knows how important Fall fashion really is. With that said, I have compiled a batch of iconic Fall fashion looks from Mamma Biscuit’s archives to get you all gassed up for the new season. Whether you’re a kid who needs to follow the pack in school when it comes to the right pair of jeans and sneakers, a label whore who blows their entire rent money at a Vivienne Westood sample sale, a fashion editor seated at every front row of every fashion show at Lincoln Center or a big city pooch looking to reinvent herself before hitting the local dog run, this post is for YOU! I would consider myself lucky If I turned out to be half as fashionable as Mamma Biscuit is when I get to be her age. So come along and take a stroll down the runway with your favorite toothless pug on the internet. You may find some inspiration to spruce up your Fall wardrobe or better yet, your life!

Herringbone suit jackets in earth tones are all the rage this Fall. Just add a silk scarf and you’ve got one smart look that’s ready for a business meeting or lunch with a good friend at Le Cirque!

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Faux fur is all the rage—especially accompanied by a Fraggle Rock/Cookie Monster silhouette. Think club kids in the 90s. Mamma Biscuit here has made this trend age appropriate by adding a fabulous brooch that was hand-selected from the Nan Kempner archives.

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Who said pale colors are for Spring only? Quite the opposite actually and Mamma Biscuit sure was ahead of the curve when she sported this pale pink waist coat paired with a dramatic feather and lace brooch. Tim Gunn would be so proud of our fashionable pooch!

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Indian Summer has set you back? Throw on a chocolate brown giraffe print dress with blue piping. Breezy enough for a late afternoon walk through the park!

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Pretty in pink is pretty all year long. Earth tones are so literal, why not stand out in pink with a pearl brooch?

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Ghetto fabulous fits perfectly into Fall attire. A homegirl is complete with her faux fur trimmed hoody coat for those chilly days paired with a descriptive name plate to warn others to back off!

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Chinatown chic is all the rage this Fall. Faux fur lined for a cozy fit while walking through the fish markets on Canal Street from September on!

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Money can’t buy you class and elegance is learned! Let Mamma show you what money can really buy and teach you a thing or two about wearing a faux fur dress coat this Fall!

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Sweater dresses are a Fall staple and the bolder the color, the more you’ll stand out among the herd!

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Chanel bouclé in chocolate brown is where it’s at this Fall. This look, like Mamma Biscuit is as sweet as a truffle!

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So there you have it folks. On a sad note, Mamma Biscuit and family would like to take this opportunity to dedicate this post to the brilliant and hilarious Joan Rivers who has passed away yesterday. Joan Rivers was a huge inspiration to me personally. She was a woman who was not afraid to laugh at herself and was completely unapologetic about being politically incorrect! From her daytime talk show in the 90s covering some of the most important gay topics that have shaped our pop culture such as Paris is Burning and club kids of The Limelight to her Red Carpet critiques at every award show known to man to her stand-up comedy acts all the way through to Fashion Police on E! and Joan & Melissa Knows Best on We TV, Joan remained a woman on top of her game and totally uninhibited in her content. She was brassy, she was in your face and she was willing to throw Anne Frank under the bus for making too much noise in the attic! Joan was the hilarious Jewish mother I never had and trust me, I would kill to have a mother who isn’t afraid to talk about how far her vagina has dropped from old age! Anyone who has ever been offended by Joan’s comedy act is a humorless pud in my book. I will miss Joan’s raspy voice or her quick, biting remarks about Hollywood’s elite on Fashion Police but most of all, I will miss her hilarious spirit! Here’s to Joan Rivers who is probably lounging on the lanai in the sky while berating God for wearing a white robe after Labor Day!

Enjoy

Posted in Editor's Note, Fashion | 10 Comments

Granny Chic . . . I think!

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There are many ways for Mamma Biscuit to close out the Summer of 2014 and unfortunately, she’s chosen to do so by wearing this hideous knitted poncho that can only be described as something Barbara Jean would wear on the sitcom Reba! Seriously y’all, I don’t think our fashionable gremlin has ever been vulnerable in landing herself on any worst dress list before but if Joan Rivers and the entire panel on Fashion Police get a glimpse of these photos, she’s good as toast. OK, before you go ahead and make assumptions about Mamma’s first (and hopefully last) fashion faux pas please consider this, I did not have anything to do with selecting this poncho. In fact, Tommy was the one who had a serious love affair with this knitted monstrosity while perusing the racks of a doggy boutique in Kentucky several weeks ago during our junking tour through the Midwest—more to come on that in a future post. We were walking through a flea market in a small town located right across the Ohio River in Kentucky when we stumbled upon a cute doggy boutique selling clothes and naturally, I plowed through the doors with the excitement of a lotto winner looking to cash in on his prize. Let’s just say that I picked up a super chic Autumnal dress for our little Biscuit Lady that has “Thanksgiving-in-Connecticut” written all over it. Now while I was looking for something fabulous and couture, Tommy went ahead and pulled this knitted poncho out from what looked like the discount bin and screamed, “she has to have this.”

Really? Mamma Biscuit has to have THIS?!?

At this point, your knee deep in this post and these photos so I don’t think I have to go any further here—we bought the damn poncho, partly because I have a sense of humor and partly because Tommy was unyielding! If that wasn’t bad enough, when I was styling Mamma for this shoot, Tommy continued on with his commentary by saying, “she looks like she’s dressed for a cool sunset at the beach in the Hamptons during Labor Day weekend”

Again, really?

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I’ve never been to the Hamptons before and I don’t want to discourage Tommy for building up a narrative in his head about this poncho but I would assume that no one is wearing a knitted poncho (especially one that looks like this) to watch the sunset on a cool late afternoon in the Hamptons—OR ANYWHERE FOR THAT MATTER! Ok, maybe Barbara Jean might be wearing such a poncho but that’s only if Reba had an episode revolving the Labor Day weekend—and I don’t quite remember ever seeing one. YES, I watch Reba and YES I love it and NO, I don’t have any shame about it either!

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So there I was, clicking away on my camera as Mamma was modeling this knitted poncho and trying to convince myself that this was somehow an Anthropologie look. Was it comical to see Mamma work this knitted tent while almost tripping over that tasseled yarn edge, YES. Was it high fashion, HELL NO! Notice how I made matters worse by adorning the poncho with a brooch in the shape of a tube of red lipstick. SASSY isn’t it?

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The whole look is just so strange but instead of shelving this photoshoot and locking it away in the Mamma Biscuit Vault (yes, there is such a thing and no, you can’t have access to it) I decided to entertain you all with the hilarity of this and to bring a smile to your face as the Summer of 2014 concludes. Don’t worry about Mamma Biscuit though, she’ll bounce back from this fashion faux pas!

Enjoy and Happy Labor Day!

Posted in Fashion, Holiday | 15 Comments

Summer in a Flash!

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I can’t believe it’s mid August already. I can’t believe our last post was almost a month ago! I feel like the Summer of 2014 is passing us by so quickly and I just can’t keep up anymore. The only thing that seems to stop time dead on it’s feet is Mamma Biscuit. She’ll prance on over while I’m running around the apartment, frantic to make schedule, and demand that I stop everything I’m doing for a pug hug and a kiss—and of course, I oblige! If it’s not her on-demand hugs and kisses, it’s her marathon sleeping habits that become so infectious that sometimes, my weekends slip away as I get sucked into a 6-hour nap alongside her on the sofa. You know, sometimes I think Mamma Biscuit holds the key to all the answers to everything in life behind those sparkling marble eyes. I can come home from work on any given day bearing the stresses of the entire world on my back and our little gremlin will just run up to me to kiss and lick my arm until my skin peels off—and every stress and worry I have seems to melt away. I just drop my gym bag and keys to the floor so that I can get all up in her face and bury my nose in her built-in mink stole around her neck. At any rate, I just wanted to let you all know that despite our short hiatus we haven’t forgotten about Mamma’s little corner on the web here. In fact, Tommy and I just recently returned from a trip through Tennessee, Kentucky and Ohio to attend the world’s largest yard sale along highway 127 and boy do we have a post lined up for you all sharing the many treasures we picked up along the way. Unfortunately, Mamma Biscuit did not come along with us through our American junking tour. She was lounging out at grandma’s house up in Scarsdale, New York but that didn’t stop me from picking up a few cute new frocks for the Biscuit Lady along the way. Autumn is fast approaching and this will be the busiest time of year for Mamma Biscuit. Between fall fashion, Halloween and the impending Christmas holiday season, we’ve got our work cut out for us. So strap on your seat belts because Mamma intends on taking you all for another wild ride.

Happy Monday y’all!

Posted in Fashion, Just Because . . ., Portraits | 4 Comments

Merry Christmas in July!

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Oh the weather outside is frightful
And the air conditioner is so delightful
And since we’ve got no place to go
QVC, QVC, QVC!

Oh it doesn’t show signs of stopping
The holiday segments make us all go shopping
For holiday shit we don’t really need
QVC, QVC, QVC!

That’s right y’all, today is July 25th, that very special day for Christmas enthusiasts from around the world and (more importantly) for all of the home shopping networks here in the U.S.A. In exactly five months from today, it will be Christmas morning when everyone around the world will run from their respective bedrooms down to their Christmas trees to unwrap gifts they intend on returning or regifting the following day! After all, this is America and any typical, under-achieving, hot-blooded American would think you were a Communist if you weren’t ungrateful for the things that you have and the things that are gifted to you on this very special holiday! Now Mamma Biscuit and I love lounging on the sofa with a tower fan blowing in our direction and the air conditioner cranked up to near arctic levels on any given Summer evening, but tonight, we’re pulling an all-nighter with QVC! We need to keep abreast with what young Chinese children have been putting together for the American consumer all year long. They may have all gone blind, lost a finger or three or developed a rare cancer in the process, but this cheap exported labor is what makes us Americans max out our credit cards and keeps us in the spirit—and besides, if you can’t hoard cheap holiday goods for Jesus Christ, who the hell can you hoard for? More importantly, why bother hoarding to begin with! Jesus hoarded disciples in his day, so go on and hoard another box of flameless flicker candles for every damn window of your house, you deserve it!

Now QVC clearly takes advantage of this time period where yuletide idiots like ourselves begin to yearn for Christmas as a retail marketing strategy—not that we ever need any push to purchase anything Christmas related throughout the entire year. It makes sense though, June is a great month to purchase gifts for weddings, graduations, Father’s Day, and buying summer clothes and outdoor entertaining items. July is still too early for back to school shopping and practically dead in the retail world (although I’ve seen a few commercials for school supplies) HOWEVER, it is the perfect opportunity for the home shopping networks to grab middle America (and a select few of us in the Northeast) by the balls and shove some consumeristic holiday fear of not being able to get all of your shit done in enough time before the 25th of December. In comes the QVC army with their fiber optic wreaths and trees, dizzying array of lights, permanently swagged garland, pre lit trees that practically build and decorate themselves, talking snowmen and their respective sex partners and a plethora of hideous holiday sweaters to solidify this fear and the overall bad taste afflicting our nation. I mean, our economy survives on this formula so if you’re not watching or buying, then you’re an unpatriotic terrorist threatening Mamma Biscuit’s freedoms as an American pug! Now that I’ve gone and made myself sound like an ignorant, angry FOX news anchor, why don’t I switch gears here and share with you all a few amazing holiday decorations we have acquired in the past two weeks. What you are about to see is just a taste of what’s to come in the next two weeks. Tommy and I will be heading on an excursion that will most likely yield some pretty amazing Christmas wares—more to come on that!

First on the agenda is this amazing flocked figurine that I just acquired from an antique store out in Havre de Grace, Maryland.

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Those of you who have been following Mamma Biscuit for several years now will know that I have a huge collection of flocked ornaments all made in occupied Japan circa 1945. I’ve been collecting for so many years now and I have to say, it’s getting harder and harder to find these charming ornaments with pipe cleaner details. This one is especially unique due to the size. It measures close to 4.5” tall and her hand-painted face is nearly flawless. The figurine still has good flexibility and can be positioned any way I like. I’ll find a spot on one of our many garland displays come this Christmas and she’ll blend in seamlessly!

Next up we have an extremely delicate glass ornament from the late 40s with pale green crater details and hand painted abstract lines in red.

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The earmark to a good vintage glass ornament is the sturdy crown and hanger at the top. Mamma Biscuit and I have such a huge collection of these ornaments that we can actually decorate a full 6-foot tree using just them alone—it’s like I’m the Imelda Marcos of Christmas ornaments. At any rate, I was drawn to this Keith-Haring-on-crack aesthetic and just had to add this baby to our ever growing collection!

Last on our list of ornaments (I told you this was gonna be short) are these fabulous set of four pipe cleaner wreath ornaments from the mid-60s.

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I scooped these babies up several weeks ago at the garage flea market here in Chelsea before they closed their doors for good to make way for yet another luxury high rise—because that’s what New York City needs, another fucking luxury high-rise that will remain 75% empty!

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Before we sign off here to go sit in front of the TV to watch a 10-hour stretch of Christmas in July on QVC segments (while foaming at the mouth from disgust) I have to share with you all a new Christmas product that was teased on QVC as an upcoming highlight to Christmas in July several weeks prior that rocked my Christmas world. The product is called Blisslights Spright and boy will you be amazed. Blisslights is an artistic lighting company founded in 2006 that invented, engineered, and put a patent on a unique multiphase diffractive holographic optics and light projection technology. This unique lighting experience projects thousands of static pin-points of light that is perfect for a “fire fly” effect in your garden or creating a truly unique holiday display that will amaze you and your neighbors. You really do have to see it to believe it, so check out this video below.

Unfortunately, these lights only come in blue, green and red and have a very cold, laser/LED tone to them but the day they make clear lights is the day I’m on board. Can you imagine? No more tangled lights, no more freezing outdoors in the winter hanging lights from tree branches and gutters? This product can make even the most mundane trailer park look like a Christmas wonderland. My only concern is what happens when a blizzard comes through and covers the lights completely under 12 inches of snow? At any rate, you heard it first from Mamma Biscuit and family—because we eat, breathe and live Christmas!

Enjoy

Posted in Holiday, Vintage | 2 Comments

14 in 2014!

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You may be wondering why there was limited train service on your commute this morning with very few people around or how there were no cars on the road while driving to work, right? And how about your early run to the post office or bank only to find out that they were all closed? Expecting a package to arrive in the mail today? Well you can forget about it! Why you ask? Well if you are shameless enough to admit that you forgot today was Mamma Biscuit’s birthday then the federal government will remind you! That’s right, Mamma Biscuit’s birthday is a national holiday here in the good ol’ United Pugs of America—so go on and tell your boss to fuck off because your taking a fully paid day off! Congress has taken a day of recess today, the New York Stock Exchange floor is completely empty and even Israel and Palestine have taken the day off from their never ending feud to observe the most important holiday of all, the birth of Mamma Biscuit! OK, maybe today is not the exact day she was born but it was the day we brought her home to the Pug Palace. Can you believe it? It’s been 6 years to this day that Tommy and I headed down to Curly Tail Pug Rescue in the East Village to pick up our toothless gremlin. Boy does time fly when you are having fun. I remember the first time I laid eyes on Mamma as she came corralling inside from a walk with a gaggle of other pugs. She was snorting like a pig and I could easily pick her out from the crowd because she was the only one in the bunch to have a tongue that dropped down passed her knees! No one at Curly Tail had any idea when her actual birthday was. Puppy mills could care less about keeping records like that for dogs they assign a number to. In fact, Curly Tail told us she was 7 years old at the time but the files that came along with her from the vet stated that she was actually 8 years old. So right then and there we made July 11th (the day we brought Mamma Biscuit home to her Pug Palace) her official birthday and thanks to our elected leaders, this day has been turned into a national holiday—a day to celebrate our national treasure: Mamma Biscuit!

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Now Mamma’s face may have gotten a whole lot grayer and her walks may be a bit slower but our little gremlin will forever be young, beautiful and full of style no matter how old she gets. She sure has the wardrobe to prove it! Here she is killing it wearing her super chic yellow with white polka dots birthday dress from Martha Stewart. Every year, I search high and low for a cute little birthday frock for Mamma Biscuit and this year, Martha’s canine line came through for us. I was able to redeem a Pet Smart gift certificate prize Mamma won for a small pet contest at Tommy’s company over the Winter season to pay for this dress and she looks so fabulous wearing it. Tommy also found this beautiful French floral brooch made from pearls and glass which looks stunning on a bright yellow dress, don’t you think? Oh, and that hot pink waist band with bow accent on this dress is everything! WERQ MAMMA, WERQ!

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So we geared up our little Spumoni Face in this glamorous Summer ensemble and went out for a walk in Fort Tryon Park where she could receive the public and their numerous birthday wishes! People made the pilgrimage from all over the country (hell, the world even) to come see Mamma Biscuit perched on a park bench on her special day looking fashionably elegant and happy as a clam! Some came bearing gifts and treats, some came looking to be healed by her magical tongue and some came simply to wash her paws like Jesus Christ did for his Disciples! Unfortunately, Mamma Biscuit hates getting wet so she wouldn’t stand for any of that shit—not unless she was lured with a sack of peanut butter treats!

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And then after 10 minutes of interacting with her fans, she got tired . . . and bored!

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So after our lovely walk through the park, we headed back to the Pug Palace to celebrate her birthday festivities with fresh watermelon, honeydew melon and mango sorbet—all refreshing treats that could cool off the Biscuit Lady.

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Mamma literally inhaled that sorbet in ten seconds flat before moving onto her bowls of fruit. She didn’t even bother to read her birthday card let alone wait for us to light her birthday candle to sing Happy Birthday to her. In typical Mamma fashion, she stormed the food spread like a pug pirate, inhaled everything in sight and then trotted off to a cool corner in the apartment to lay down on the floor and take a nap! If you ask Tommy, he’d say she learned that behavior from me—and I’m not sure I can deny that with a straight face.

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So that’s it folks, today Mamma turns 14! We hope you all will enjoy this day off in celebration of her birthday. Today is the day we honor and celebrate our favorite toothless pug on the internet and how rewarding it is to rescue a pet!

Enjoy

Posted in Fashion, Holiday | 26 Comments