. . . and Mamma and the Biscuits were called on duty last minute to save this precious holiday—worldwide! Turns out Santa Claus was fired up at his workshop in the North Pole. Apparently, management found hardcore elf porn on his computer system and a few elves have come forward citing sexual harassment! To make matters worse, Rudolf and the rest of Santa’s reindeer have gone on strike and have currently joined the rest of the Occupy Wall Street protesters. So Mrs. Claus has filed for a divorce and Santa was temporarily removed from his position up North. He’ll be given a second chance as long as he admits himself into rehab for sex addiction and completes a 6 hour diversity training course from the Human Resources Department at the workshop—but in the meanwhile, Christmas must go on—and it will! Thanks to Mamma Biscuit and her bright red pug nose, she will guide our sleigh tonight as Tommy and I break into every home on the planet to deliver toys and goodies for little boys and girls! So if you hear pitter-patter of pug paws on your roof tonight or a little gremlin scratching at your window outside your fire escape, you’ll know you’ve made the cut on The Biscuit A-list. Oh and one more thing, since Santa won’t be the one delivering all of your gifts this year, nix the plate of cookies and that glass of milk (we’re watching our weight) and replace it with a bag of soft-chew treats, a vodka and cranberry, a rum and coke, a six-pack of Blue Moon beer, a few lines of cocaine, a box of condoms and some lube—we’ll totes appreciate it!
Happy Christmas Eve Everyone!